The Gourd
by Neo H.B.B. Sam
Summary: In the aftermath of EEnE BPS, Captain Melonhead & Splinter the Wonderwood no longer exist, only The Gourd and Timber the Dark Shard. Now witness the crazy events to occur in this epic. This is the prequel to my story "Ed, Edd n Eddy's Last Stand".


**Author's Note:** _Oh, why hello there. It's me, Neo H.B.B. Sam, and as you may have noticed, I just put up a new story here called "The Gourd". It's based off of the aftermath of Ed, Edd n Eddy Big Picture Show and this story is actually the prequel to my other fanfiction "Ed, Edd n Eddy's Last Stand". And I know that it's taking a while for me to update EEnE LS, but you see I've just started high school and well, it's been a hell of a lot more time consuming than I expected. Heck I'm only two-thirds done with chapter ten for that story, and I know that a lot of looking over needs to be done on it. Oh yeah, and another story that I've put up here before called "As Days Come & Go" that is also apart of my EEnE LS universe, only in the future. So yeah, the main goal of this story is for you to get some good shits and giggles out of it. This isn't going to be the best story ever and I didn't plan on it being that from when I first started writing this. I know that there probably going to be some problems with it, but tough. Anyway, read, enjoy, and please, leave a review stating on how my work was._

_

* * *

_

Chapter – 1

A thirteen year old boy presses a hidden button on a tree in his backyard and suddenly a hole opens up. The kid jumps inside the hole and goes down a ridiculously long tube that he built by hand. After he pops out of the tube, he runs towards a spinning chair and throws his best friend on another spinning chair.

And in a flash, Jonny Woods and his best friend Plank just became the Gourd and Timber the Dark Shard, the resident so-called "supervillains" of the cul-de-sac, even though in reality the other kids just thought of them as mere twats. Anyway, the Gourd picked up Timber the Dark Shard and the pressed yet another button, opening up yet another hole. This hole went down a tube just like the last one did, only this one lead to the sewers, which was where the Gourd and Timber the Dark Shard ended up. Soon the two crawled their way out of the sewers and into the smack dab middle of the cul-de-sac.

"Come on boy, let's hide," said Timber the Dark Shard.

"That sounds like a good idea there Timber the Dark Shard," said the Gourd as he and Timber the Dark Shard jumped into a cluster of bushes right on Nazz's yard. The Gourd and Timber the Dark Shard peeked through the bushes and seen Kevin Thorpe riding on his new dirt bike (his previous bike got destroyed beyond repair thanks to the Kanker sisters, so Kevin gave his old bike a Viking funeral and then bought himself a new dirt bike, which was practically ten times better then his old bike).

The Gourd and Timber the Dark Shard watched as Kevin stopped his dirt bike in the middle of the cul-de-sac. Soon enough, the two of them had seen Eddy McGee walk out of his house, who was carrying a baseball bat on him right now. Eddy walked up angrily to Kevin as in turn, Kevin shot a mean looking glare at Eddy.

"What's with the fucking baseball bat, dork?" Kevin asked Eddy.

"Well what the hell is with that gay looking bike there shovel-chin?" Eddy asked in turn.

What looked like a soon to be fight quickly ended up being nothing more but Eddy and Kevin bursting with laughter. Yes, the former archrivals now became good friendly rivals with each other ever since the time that Eddy was brutally (but also in a cartoon-like fashion at the same time) owned by his douche bag of an older brother and practically gave a Freudian Excuse two months ago explaining his behavior about why he's been such a dickhead over the years. As a result, Ed, Edd and Eddy were now friends with Kevin, Nazz, Rolf, Sarah and Jimmy and neutral with the Kanker sisters. But at last, the cul-de-sac children were thirteen years old now, except for Ed, Rolf and Lee who were now fourteen and Jimmy & Sarah, who have just recently turned nine years old.

"It looks so wrong seeing those two fags laughing with each other," Timber the Dark Shard commented.

"I agree with ya buddy," replied the Gourd. "I remember when it used to be me and Kevin laughing with each other like that. But now ever since that one time when I took down Ed, Double-D and Eddy when I was still Captain Melonhead, all of the kids here hate my guts. Seriously, seeing Eddy and Kevin laughing with each other as if they were BFF's makes me wanna barf. It's so out of character for them."

"Not anymore apparently," Timber the Dark Shard told him. "But ya Jonny, it does suck the big one."

"Hey, don't say my civilian name out in the open here!" the Gourd exclaimed. "I can't let them know about my secret identity, at least not yet."

"**HORSESHIT!!!"** Timber the Dark Shard yelled at him. "Everyone here knows that "The Gourd" and his sidekick "Timber the Dark Shard" are really Jonny and Plank! Honestly, I feel like a fucking five year old with all this "supervillain" shit you and me are playing right now."

"We're not playing, Timber the Dark Shard, this is the real deal here," the Gourd said. Plank had realized that by now his best friend had gone batshit insane. It must have been because Jonny's wild card personality settled down and he just became "dark" as Jonny put it. Though Plank could fix that up, it would have to take at least sometime, because after all, people just don't normally change over night.

"Look," Timber the Dark Shard told him. "Just call me Plank and I'll call you Jonny, okay?"

"And blow our covers? No way!" the Gourd responded.

"Oh yeah, like I can really blow our covers when you're the only person who can understand a single word that I'm saying," Timber the Dark Shard said.

"I think that Ed can understand what you say sometimes," the Gourd replied.

"Okay, but that's Ed you're talking about and we both know how weird he can be sometimes," Timber the Dark shard told him.

"Wait, are you saying that it's weird when somebody talks to you?" the Gourd asked him in confusion.

"Well if you take a couple of seconds to think about it, you'll realize that it is in fact sort of strange for anyone to be talking to a piece of wood like me," Timber the Dark Shard said.

"You know what Timber the Dark Shard, this conversation between us is over!" the Gourd exclaimed. "Now quick, we have some business to attend to!" the Gourd said as he and Timber the Dark Shard ran off. All Timber the Dark Shard could do was sigh in disappointment.

Meanwhile, back in the middle of the cul-de-sac, Eddy and Kevin had just stopped laughing. They both wiped some tears of laughter from their faces as they proceeded to talk to each other.

"Oh man, "dork", that's classic," Eddy commented as he giggled a bit. In the past two months, Eddy had in fact changed in personality since he realized that being a total dick wad does not make you automatically "cool". So as a result, Eddy became a nicer person (he was no saint still, but now a decent person), stopped with the scams (which were the main reason why he was hated so much, so of course he quit doing them) and was now in the in-crowd (which Eddy realized had its advantages). Though of course, Eddy still had some outcast qualities to him, most noticeably with his attire. It now consisted of a short purple Mohawk, a noise piercing, and a black shirt with the X-box symbol on it, blue jeans with chains on them and black sneakers. Another thing that changed about Eddy was that he was skinnier now ever since those nights of him eating a whole tub of chocolate ice cream in depression where gone and to be forgotten.

"Thanks, and shovel-chin, ah, that original comeback you always called me whenever I called you a dork," Kevin replied with. Kevin, like Eddy had done his fair share of changing over the summer as well. For starters, he was friends with the Eds now ever since Eddy apologized for being a dick face. And his attire was different, since now Kevin has a complete buzzcut (he cut off his bangs since he thought they made him look childish), wears a black baseball cap now (it's worn backwards of course), a red muscle shirt with the Nike symbol on it, beige colored jersey shorts and white skate shoes. Kevin had also gotten more muscular, even sporting a six-pack now. Though of course, there were things that didn't change about Kevin. Mainly it was that he could still be a jerk (not towards the Eds anymore obviously, but still, he was mean to other kids he didn't like that much), he still wanted to get into Nazz's pants and Kevin thought negative about certain stuff, though Kevin had recently been trying to become more optimistic, mainly so that Nazz might like him more after Nazz told Kevin that she'd like him better if he didn't have a "downer" attitude.

"Well I called you "jock boy" too, but not as much," Eddy told him.

"Yeah, and I occasionally I'd call you a twerp and even dorky. But damn, I just realized that we were so limited with our insults back when we were twelve," Kevin responded.

"No kidding," Eddy said. "Man, I remember when we didn't use curse words, but that was because we were just some dumb twelve year olds back then. Now we're totally mature thirteen year olds since we swear like men."

"Of course," Kevin said. "But in all honesty, I'm starting to get sick of the word "dork". I mean come on; I've been using that word for like what, four, five years now?"

"Six years, I know, I counted," Eddy replied. "But what you're saying is that you need a new main insulting catchphrase?"

"That's exactly what I mean!" Kevin exclaimed. "I need some help thinking of a new word to use so that I'm not saying "dork" anymore."

"Well I'd like to help you out there Kevin, but I can't think of anything good right now, sorry," Eddy said.

"Oh well, that's okay," Kevin said as he sighed. "Hey, you know where your BFF's Ed and Double-D are?" Kevin asked.

"Double-D's getting ready for school over at his place and Ed's in town buying a new video game," Eddy told Kevin.

"Typical," Kevin replied. "What game do you think that Ed's buying?"

"I think that he's getting that one new Pokemon game," Eddy said.

"Pokemon?" Kevin asked in confusion before he burst out laughing in amusement. "Oh God, Pokemon, I remember playing that game when I was like what, six? There has to be like five-hundred of them now, I swear."

"Four hundred and ninety three of them to be exact," Eddy said before he just realized what he had said as he covered his mouth with his hands.

"You like Pokemon still?" Kevin asked before he burst out laughing yet again. "Seriously, I thought that fad died out five years ago."

"Hey, Pokemon is awesome and don't you forget it!" Eddy exclaimed.

"I'm sorry, but you have no idea on just how big of a nerd you made yourself sound like," Kevin told Eddy as he continued laughing.

"At least I wasn't madly in love with a bike and talked to it!" Eddy exclaimed, making Kevin immediately stop laughing as he gave Eddy a stern looking face.

Kevin grabbed Eddy by the neck and then said to him, "We never speak about that again." Kevin then released him from his grasp as Eddy panted for air. "Look dude, that bike was fucking up my life and you know it. Honestly, if that piece of shit was still around, I'd still be an ass towards you and your friends and Nazz would probably hate my guts. Really, next time I see those Kanker sisters, I think that I'll be a nice guy and actually thank them for destroying my old bike and then run away from them before they can molest me."

Eddy panted in some more air before he could say, "Okay, I get it. Sorry for bringing that up, but cocksucker dude, you didn't have to get so violent and start suffocating me."

"Sorry dude, but you know I still get rather ticked at times still," Kevin told him. "Anyway, let's change the subject over to Double-D, shall we?"

"I like that idea," Eddy said.

"Alright then, so you said Double-D was getting ready for school again, right?" Kevin asked him and Eddy gave him a nod to confirm it. "Doesn't school start again in like what, two weeks?"

"One week, I know, I checked my calendar," Eddy replied.

"Damn it!" Kevin exclaimed in frustration. "Motherfucker, I don't even have any supplies yet for seventh grade!"

"Same goes for me too Kevin," Eddy told him. "So, how about we snag ourselves some from Double-D's house like you and all the other guys did last year?"

"Sure, why not," Kevin said as he and Eddy moved over to Double-D's house.

Eddy and Kevin moved along over to Double-D's house and knocked on the door. After knocking on the door again and waiting for a bit, they decided to just barge on in and see just what Double-D was so busy doing that he couldn't stop for just a bit to see that Eddy and Kevin were at his house.

"**HEY DOUBLE-D, CAN ME AND KEV BORROW SOME SHIT FOR SCHOOL!?!?"** Eddy yelled, but received no answer.

"I bet ten bucks he's taking a dump," Kevin told Eddy.

"Yeah, that's gotta be it," said Eddy. "Come on, the only bathroom in his house is upstairs." Eddy and Kevin both walked up the stairs in Double-D's house and went over to the bathroom, but surprisingly the door was unlocked and Double-D was still nowhere to be found.

"Eddy, is Double-D out of town or something?" asked Kevin.

"He would have told either me or Ed if he wasn't going to be home today," Eddy replied.

"**SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!!!"** yelled the familiar voice of none other than Double-D.

"That was Double-D!" Eddy exclaimed. "I knew that he would have been in his room this entire time!"

"Sounded like he's having some troubles," Kevin said as the two of them rushed into Double-D's room.

Inside Double-D's room, Double-D was tied up with robe and now had a blindfold over his eyes and duck tape covering his mouth. Also in the room was none other than the "Gourd" as his sidekick "Timber the Dark Shard".

"Oh hot damn buddy, looks like there's a couple of witnesses," the Gourd said as he pulled out a giant sized pumpkin from his pocket (via hammerspace of course) and then threw it on the floor of Double-D's room , causing an explosion. In the aftermath of the explosion, Eddy and Kevin were covered in pumpkin remains and Double-D, the Gourd and Timber the Dark Shard were no where to be found.

"What the batshit was that?" Eddy asked himself.

"Batshit is a real good word to explain it," Kevin replied.

"True that," Eddy said. "But man, it's gonna take forever for all of this pumpkin crap to get off. Fuck, I'll probably have to take a bath in bleach just to get _some_ of it off."

"Who cares if we're covered in pumpkin guts, Double-D just got napped by Jonny!" Kevin exclaimed. "Honestly, I thought that the only people who would kidnap him are those Kankers."

"The times, they are a changing, Kevin," Eddy told him. "Anyway, come on, let's go get Double-D back!" And so Eddy and Kevin ran as fast as they could out of Double-D's house. But as soon as they got to the front door, the two of them bumped into none other than Ed.

"Hi ya Kevin and Eddy!" exclaimed Ed. In two months, Ed hadn't changed too much, although he was starting to become a bit more intelligent, which the cul-de-sac kids (except for Jonny) thought was a good thing. And like his two friends, Double-D and Eddy, Ed was now apart of the in-crowd and he was actually fitting into it better then Double-D and Eddy were. The in-crowd actually thought that Ed was a funny, beastly dude who was great to hang around with. Now wait, you're probably asking yourself: "Hold on, wouldn't they not want to be with someone who smells worse then a ran over dead stunk?" Well thank God that Ed had mostly gotten over his childhood fear of soap, showers, and all other stuff that makes you clean. As a result, the only times Ed smelt bad now where when he worked out and got stinker than roast shit armpits. Yes, ever since the incident with Eddy's brother, Kevin and Rolf convinced Ed to come to the gym up at the high school and work out. Because of this, Ed is even stronger than he was before and what was really impressive was that Ed had a six-pack now instead of that chubby gut he had back when he was twelve. But besides that, Ed still loved horror movies, butter toast, gravy, and a majority of those obsessions he had back when he was twelve. In fact, one of his newest obsessions is with the Pokemon series currently. Though like most of the cul-de-sac kids, Ed had picked up on swearing, but didn't do it so much as Eddy and Kevin. And by the way, Ed's attire is now a gray t-shirt with a picture with the Tennessee Titans logo on it, his green jacket over it, brown khaki pants and black sneakers. One more thing, Ed had his hair grow out a bit, so now you can tell that he was visible orange hair.

"Hey Ed, no time to chit chat, something bad has happened," Eddy told his friend.

"But Eddy, I just bought Pokemon Diamond for my DS," Ed told him. "I already called Turtwig."

"Really?" Eddy asked in amazement. "I plan on getting Pearl version when it comes out and I'm getting Chimchar as my starter because it's so badass since it's a monkey with a flaming ass!"

"You guys!" Kevin exclaimed in order to get their attention. "Double-D just got kidnapped by the biggest sociopath in Peach Creek, and all you two can do is talk about that fucking Pokemon shit? Sweet Jesus, Double-D's closer to you two than I am and yet I seem to be the only one who's serious about this serious matter. Now come on you two, let's go get Double-D back from that motherfucker or else I'm telling all the other guys that you two like Pokemon."

"But Pokemon's cool!" Ed exclaimed.

"Get real Ed, Pokemon hasn't been cool since 2003. Hell, the only people who play it now do it in secret or are open about it like you two and well, it's just uncool, okay?"

"Why isn't it cool?" asked Eddy. "Because seriously, if you think about it, all video games are kind of uncool."

"Well Pokemon's the most uncool video game out there, okay?" Kevin told them. "Now seriously, enough with this Pokemon shit, it's taking up too much time. God knows what Jonny's done to Double-D by now."

"**JONNY'S KIDNAPPED DOUBLE-D!!!!!" **Ed yelled as if he had not heard it before since he was too focused on Kevin's dislike of Pokemon. "Why most the good turn bad?"

"Because he jumped the three of us back when we were chumps for no reason at all," Eddy said to him.

"Yeah, now come, let's go over to that shithead's place and show him a thing or two about kidnapping!" Kevin said as he jumped on his dirt bike and drove over to Jonny's house, with Ed and Eddy following behind him.

Meanwhile in the Gourd's layer (formerly Captain Melonhead's layer), Double-D was all tied up with rope, duck tape over his mouth and a blindfold over his eyes. The Gourd, carrying Timber the Dark Shard, walked up to him and took off his blindfold and the duck tape on his mouth. He glared at Double-D in a hateful manner that stroke fear into his eyes.

"So, how do you like my secret layer?" the Gourd asked him.

"Jonny, why are you doing this?" asked Double-D. In two months, Double-D was still obsessive compulsive, still wore that hat of his, had nerdy interests and even though he was apart of the in-crowd now, he still preferred being to himself or just with Ed or Eddy. In other words, he hadn't changed, and even if so, it was only a teensy tiny bit. Though Double-D did get a bit of a tan thanks to Ed and Eddy having him outside so much. And his attire was now that of a red and blue striped polo shirt, blue jeans, his signature hat and orange tennis shoes. One more thing, Double-D had also just had a recent growth spurt that made him five feet and eight inches tall, which had made him and Ed about the same height now.

"Because, you and your- oh wait, did you just call me Jonny?" the Gourd asked in shock.

"Well no offense, but it's kind of easy for me to tell who you are, Gourd," Double-D told him.

"How did you find out? **TELL ME HOW YOU FOUND OUT MY SECRET IDENTITY DAMN IT!!!!!!**" the Gourd stated in a very angry and scary tone of voice that almost sounded a bit like Batman's voice from "The Dark Knight".

"Because Jonny's the only person I know of who carries a piece of wood with him," Double-D told him. "That, and you're black."

"**CURSES!!!!!!"** Jonny exclaimed. "Timber the Dark Shard, it's time to teach this little goody two-shoes a thing or two about knowing who I am."

"Oh please, everyone knows who we are," Timber the Dark Shard told him. "You carry me around, that alone blows your secret identity. Oh yeah, and don't call me "Timber the Dark Shard" anymore, cause it sounds like some retard name."

"**SHUT THE FUCK UP PLANK!!!!!!"** Jonny yelled as he whacked Double-D in face with Plank in sheer, blind raging anger. Jonny suddenly realized that he had just used his only friend as a weapon, and immediately dropped Plank in shock.

"What the heck was that for?" Both Double-D and Plank said at the same time.

"Oh my God…" Jonny said to himself. "What have I done?

"You've kidnapped Double-D, that's what you've just done," Eddy said from behind him. Jonny turned around and had seen that Eddy, Ed and Kevin were right inside his layer, all carrying baseball bats.

"How'd you guys get in here?" Jonny asked.

"Well, there was this big, gapping huge ass entrance in a tree in your backyard that me, Kev and Ed decided to go down and here we are, in this crappy little get up you got going on here," Eddy told him.

"You gotta remember to close that up man." Plank told Jonny.

"It's time to get fucked up, you…" and then Kevin was lost for words, because of how he didn't want to used the word "dork" anymore since it was getting rather old and childish for a thirteen year old to be saying.

"**DOUCHE BAG!!!!!!!!"** Ed of all people, who rarely swore, exclaimed. This caused the jaws of Double-D, Jonny, Eddy, Kevin and Plank (well Plank doesn't have a jaw, but he would have dropped it if he had one) dropped.

"Douche bag… hey Ed, mind if I use that word?" Kevin asked him.

"Go on ahead!" Ed exclaimed.

"Radical man, thanks," Kevin said as he has just found to replacement to his previous word "dork", and that would be "douche bag", or just "douche" for short.

"Alright you mental little cocksucker, it's time to get a taste of my energy sword!" Eddy exclaimed as he pulled out his baseball bat, which he had painted to resemble an energy sword from the Halo games.

"Good God, it's a wonder as to how others still view you as cool, Eddy," Kevin told him as he put his hand on his forehand.

"I am cool now Kev!" Eddy exclaimed. "Hell I'm better than cool, I'm hot, way hot."

"Meh, I'm warmed baked," Ed commented.

"Alright gentlemen, it dislikes me to break the fourth wall or possibly sound selfish, but may you three please stop with the time consuming jokes and move on with the plot, which is about rescuing me from the grasp of Jonny?" Double-D asked.

"Not if I have a say about it," Jonny said as he picked up Plank.

"Oh come on, are you going to use me as a weapon, again? I thought I was your BBF dude, not some piece of wood used for whacking people," Plank said to him.

"Well buddy, I hate to say it, but in times like these, you're the only one who can protect me," Jonny admitted to him.

"You do know that somebody's gonna whine and bitch about you using me as a weapon because it's "out of character", right?" Plank asked him.

"There's no such thing as "out of character", only "dramatic unusual action" as I call it," Jonny said, which officially confirmed that he was a true psycho.

"**MAY WE DINE IN HELL AFTER THIS, JUST LIKE THE SPARTANS FROM THE MOVIE 300!!!!!!" **Ed yelled, leading the charge against Jonny and Plank.

"It's go time buddy," Jonny said as him and Plank rushed into Ed, Kevin and Eddy. But suddenly, Ed, Kevin and Eddy whacked him and Plank with their baseball bats at the same time, knocking him and Plank to the floor. The three then proceeded to beat the living shit out of Jonny and Plank with their baseball bats until the two were knocked out. After this, Ed, Kevin and Eddy walked over to Double-D and untied him, freeing him the clutches of Jonny and Plank.

"Thank you gentlemen, though I'll have to admit, did you three honestly need to assault Jonny and Plank like that in a very brutish manner?" Double-D said towards them.

"Just be glad that we came to rescue you from this loon," Eddy told him.

"It always feels good for me whenever I mess up someone," Kevin admitted, showing that some things never change.

"And Double-D, Sarah said that I could do that to Jonny without her telling on my mom because he was, um, "sexually harassing" her, as she calls it," Ed said.

"Sarah told you ya could my ass," Eddy said to Ed. "You've just been playing video games too damn long in that dungeon of a room of yours. God, I'm surprised that you don't smoke pot down their like most kids do in t heir basements."

"But Eddy, you know that I prefer the shrooms that grow under my bed!" Ed exclaimed. Suddenly, there was the noise of a ring tone that came form Kevin's pocket. He pulled out what appeared to be a cellphone and read a text message on it, and then closed it after he wrote out a reply.

"I didn't know that you had a cellphone Kevin," Double-D commented.

"Well I just got it a month ago," Kevin replied. "And it's from my mom, she told me that she needs me to help her get into the post office since they have no handicap accessible ramps and no one else is willing to help her out."

"Woah, your mom's in a wheelchair?" Eddy asked, which Kevin gave a nod to, confirming it. "Damn, but you know, I've never even seen your mom before. And here I thought that all those ramps around your house were used for skating."

"Okay, I'll admit that I have used my skateboard on those ramps before. But yeah, they're so my mom can get around the house," Kevin told him. "Well, I gotta get going now, so see ya guys later."

"Bye Kevin, and thanks for the assistance in freeing me from Jonny and Plank," Double-D said.

"No problem dude."

"And hey, maybe tomorrow we can trash the lane with our skateboards?" Eddy asked him.

"I could probably do that with ya if I'm not busy."

"Um guys, would this be a bad time to say that I hate cripples?" Ed asked. Double-D, Eddy and Kevin gave him "what the fuck did you just say" stares in response to Ed's rather obscene and unnecessary comment that was probably one of the stupidest things that's ever came out of Ed's mouth.

And so Kevin pulled out his baseball bat again and realized that there was just one little thing that he had to do before helping his mom.

* * *

**Author's Note:** _Well, I hoped that you liked reading this story and got some good lulz out of it, because that's all I wanted you to get from it. And I honestly have no idea on when I'm going to update this fanfiction, so I might not get around to it for awhile. So yeah, I'll see you next time._


End file.
